Lady In the Water (longer rant)

This is basically an email sent to others that I know that I sent after Watching Lady In the Water. What the hell. I'll post it.

Email:
I watched a film today that summed up everything you do not do in a film. A should-be career killer, in the what in the hell were they thinking, a film made for a ton of money where no-one seemed to be paying attention to how terrible the script and ideas actually were. Lady In The Water by M Night Shamylan was stunning in every wrong decision made.

The worst part of the film is the dialogue. People speak exposition forever, also discussed yesterday in regards to this man, respect whatever insane garbage that comes into their heads, not questions asked. most of the story is told through bad exposition, simply talking about plot points that make no sense seemingly forever, but plot movements are said as if they are the most normal actions in the world, in a how could you not believe any of this. People just start spouting gibberish, believe in it all. Everyone does it. every character is really stupid and talks like a robot. It's lets do this, lets do that. No actor should deliver this dialogue.

It may surprise you to know that all the acting in this film is atrocious. There's actually no story. There's a mermaid (yep, a mermaid) who's here to trigger the emotions of a writer, who is to write the greatest story ever, that will inspire mankind to everlasting peace, who is played by one M. Night Shamylan (I wish I were making this up). Once inspiring him she must return to the water but can't because these imaginary monsters are stalking her. We have an hour of characters being scared by mythical characters (who are killed in a few seconds at the end by killer trees, again not making this up). This guy (played by Paul Giamatti, good actor giving an absolute stinker of a performance) has to round up people who live in the same apartment block that he does, find their special powers, so they can protect her from imaginary creatures. And they say, okay. For no reason. She even has an E.T. moment, where she is killed by said imaginary creatures but finds out that Giamatti has the power to heal, because of some past trauma. So she lives.

Oh yeah, the imaginary creatures kill a snobby film critic, who has lost the power to believe, and who makes comments on story-telling that are stunning in their awfulness.Yet this is not the worst part of the film. even worse than this, believe it or not.... ...mermaid is named Story and Giamatti is called Healy (as in healer). Which kind of ruins the entire film, especially the duff E.T. moment. But you know, its so bad I'm glad I saw it. sometimes seeing a film of that level, by the halfway point you're willing it to get dumber. and boy does it ever. Anyway, hope this was enjoyable to read, a warning to you about this film.